Announcement

Due to certain events going on in my life that cannot be ignored, this blog will not be updated till further improvements on my current condition. I regret to say that as strong as I try to be, I am not, and I need time to lick my wounds. Ha!

So if you're bored, have fun clicking on my labels of old posts to entertain yourselves. Do take notice of "My Hubby" tag... I put a lot of effort and heart to it, and I do still feel the same way. No regrets to that.

Cheers.

with love always and best regards,
Yvonne Esmeralda R.

Piece by piece

I think my blog has been like therapy for me. To let me spill the feelings I have been feeling these days.

I lost my appetite for a few days, got landed in the hospital. Doesn't matter to me. My priority has changed. I don't need adventure. I don't need challenges. For the longest time, I didn't realise that he was all I needed.

But now I have to face the biggest adventure and challenge that I have to embark on my on. At the end of the road, I pray that you'll be there waiting for me too. I know my fiance did not leave me. He's still there somewhere.

Even if I will collapse during the journey, I have to keep heading on. I know that sitting here and not do anything won't bring me the joy of being in your arms again. I know what I must do. I love you. Trust that I will reach you in time.

Baby, you don't know how much you mean to me. Everyday to survive is a challenge in itself, but I keep telling myself, I know someday I'll be able to touch your heart again. Someday, I'll accomplish my biggest happiness. You'll hold my hand and won't let go again.

A few days of solitude

For 2 nights, I have spent it in a place where it is strange to me. I felt so lonely and scared, and somehow it wasn't so surprising. Without you, I was already scared and lonely.

2 nights ago, I was rushed to the hospital for the second time this year because of abdominal pains. Before I left, I gave you a call. Do you remember? It doesn't matter if you don't. I don't wanna remember it either.

When darkness came, I cried myself to sleep. Thinking how it would be if you were still with me. Would you call me and console me, comfort me, talk to me in that gentle voice of yours till I nod off? As I cried, the girl next to me thought I was in pain. *chuckles*

I couldn't check my phone since phones are forbidden in the hospital. How is it that laptops (daddy brought mine in case I was bored) are ok but phones arent?

The second day, before I was getting discharged, I felt a numbness and it turns out I was allergic to the painkillers they injected in me. *Duh* Did someone forget to tell em when I was screaming in pain last night? So they gave me some liquid drip, hoping I'd pee or sweat the painkillers out.

So I had to spend another night, alone there. I cried more. Did you know, when I was admitted, I was so scared, I thought I wasn't going to survive, then I thought, what's the point? You weren't going to be there anymore. However, thought I still wanted to be the girl who was with you all the way, supporting you, I had to hold on. You're also the reason I stop crying when I am alone, otherwise I'd keep going till I run out of breath.

Once I stop, you're the reason I cry again, when I think of all the happy times you brought me. The times when you carried me on your back when I couldn't walk. When you protected me like it would really hurt me when we played video games. When you held my hand and directed me away from crowds I was scared of. When you told me how proud you were of me.

You're all the contradictions in my life I can't live without. No, I can live without but I chose not to. I love you enough to know that it doesn't seem right in a world without you.

Today, once I got home, I saw the misscalls, I was so happy, but I didn't know what were you going to say, but I was happy enough to know that you cared for me. Perhaps that ignited another spark of hope in me.

When I saw your comment, I cried some more. No, I cannot say that you did the right thing. How can something that hurt so much, stopped me from going out, stoped me from ever smiling again be right? I don't understand and I won't. I don't ever try to disturb your studies. Ever. And I don't intend to start. Because I know it's your dream. You always wanted to become what you are going to become to help others. I know that. You told me so.

It's hard for me to type these notes for you, because to be frank, I can barely talk properly now and I'm struggling to find the right words to tell you because you won't have the patience to hear it when I'm sobbing on the phone. The magic about the typing is, you don't see how the handwriting quivers or the tear stains on the paper. But believe me, these words are poured out of my heart and soul for you thought every word hurts deeper and deeper.

I’m losing all the dignity I have for doing what I’m doing but I don’t think I care anymore. You said, I could be strong for all the people in the world, but I should never act strong in front of you, because you know how truly fragile and vulnerable I am. Well here it is. I’m at my weakest point now, physically and emotionally. With all my heart I really really miss you.

I love you. I’m always yours. Only yours.

Another note for Michael

You have become a topic of taboo around me. I dont know why. Perhaps is my parents' fear of me welling up and droplets of tears would roll down seconds later.

Somehow they dont see that all I want to talk about is you. The times we joked about the silly things. The type of house we'd live in. When would I move in and live with you. Bringing you to the massange parlour to unwind. You being my collector of leftovers and my guinea pig when I cook. Darling, do you remember you used to get upset when I feed Teddy the burnt cookies? You were so cute. I promise, I'll make you more cookies when you come back k?

The things I say when I get mad and pout. You would do everything to cheer me up. Now, I'm at my all time low, but I can't depend that you'll come and cheer me up, and I have to buckle up and keep moving forward, and hope that one day you'll notice that I'm always right here, always waiting for you.

We've been through a lot these past 3 years. I really don't wanna chuck everything away without going down with a fight. I know I haven't done EVERYTHING to get you back yet. Till I have, then I'll finally reluctantly raise that white flag. However, bear in mind, that after I've grown more, learnt more ways to win you back, I'll be back to the obstacles again.

Most people might think, why would a girl, wanna risk her dignity and reputation for a guy like that? The fact is, this guy, sacrificed so much for me, is, was so in love with me and would do anything for me, and now, all I could do is to prove to him that I love him so much more than I normally show him. I love him to a point where I'm willing to risk all my everything for him.

Every night I pray and wish and cry that you'll come back to me. Not because you wanna fulfill your responsibilities but because you remembered you love me, more than any other girl. Slim as the chances might be, I will not lose hope.

So for now, all I have are the final text messages in my inbox of your promises and your words of encouragement that I could accomplish anything I set my mind to. With those messages, I could cry tears that touched my heart that how could I lose to a mere ** that just appeared not long in your life. I won't give up. Ever.

So please, for now, all you have to be concerned is your studies, the rest, I'll do my very best and look after myself, because I want to always be there whenever you turn around. I wont ever leave you. I promised. You did too. You held my waist and leaned on me and promised you'll wear the belt, and ring that I gave you. With those things near you, I feel that I still have a fighting chance.

I miss you dearly. I miss you saying you love me. I love you.
Goodnight, my sweet prince. I'll love you no matter what.

We're Over after so long, I'm sorry to the unfulfilled dreams that we had Shared

I can't say how much he has hurt me and left me wounded, and the pain of those memories lingering, little things he touched and mentioned, I can't bear to see it.

I never realised I could not put down the things I carried on my shoulders. I loved him. For 3 years. 3 wonderful years that I will never regret except the end of it, but the time together is just like ink on water. Faded and dissolved into nothingness.

The distance between us was more than mere miles I bet. I couldn't accept it at first, my first thoughts were destructive to myself, emotionally and physically. Then there was the denial of it.

I guess it all comes down to me not being good enough for him to want to continue probably. I'm not like other girls. I always thought, me being able to protect myself, hold myself with independence, I won't need the protection of guys. Just a little bit of time and affection, should reduce the burden for them, compared to the clingy girls. Perhaps I was wrong.

I could never deny that I gave my all to you because I loved you. With more than just my heart. I believed every word you said. The promises of the future, of the unborn children, the home that you wanted to provide for me. You said you meant it when I cried and I still believe you.

Though I am trying my best to move on and hold back my tears, I still have ten absurd thought of holding on, and the hope that after you finish what you need to do, you will return. Let's face it, you won't be done till we're old and grey. It won't happen, you know it, I know it, but I somehow still believe.

There is no love story. There is no happy endings. Songs and books should not give people false hopes. Happiness only happens to a glinter of people. Happiness does not restrain to only a few years of laughter and joy, but till the last of our days. I'm not one of those people, I don't deserve it.

Love is the most powerful of all emotions. Not many could find true love. I thought I found love, but not really all that strong and true because I thought my rationality would not allow me of falling too deep and hurt myself, but I guess I fell anyway. There were other guys in my life, but none was as special as you I guess.

Though we're over, and I won't be in any hurry to look for anyone, I'm somewhat relieved. I was worried I couldn't match your standards and I couldn't bear the rest of my life worrying about that. Yet, I was disappointed in the end, you couldn't even at least gave me the dignity to talk to me about it.

But all the more, thank you, For I have loved no one the way I loved you. Thank you for loving me once before and thank you for letting me grow, so I won't let my heart be broken ever again.

The Aura of Nature?

Unrelated: Woke up at 6 plus to eat Dim Sum but it wasn't opened. WTH?

I love Photoshop!

Oh my goodness... I was trying to make myself look like Poison Ivy but it didn't really work out that way, since I was wearing a Sesame Street shirt and jeans. So I look like a dead corpse and the air around me didn't make things look more cheerful.

I like the squirrel on the right hand top corner though. *grins*

K, will try to wear something more natural next time. For now, enjoy! ^^

Coz I dont have anything much to say lately

Unrelated: Thinking bout changing my style of blogging. Wanna write more bout current events or fashion or pictures of me (vain, I know). Should I? Shouldn't I?

Unrelated 2: This is my phone's new wallpaper. Adorable right? My wallpaper also similar like this. Taken from nemu-nemu.com!

A lot more pictures of me. I was bored so I camwhored. I was still bored so I played with my photoshop. (My specialty s changing eye colour, lip colour, rendering the lights and liquifying. Oh and hiding my pimples!)
I'm not very good at distorting the pictures. I need more tutorials and practice with this. Hahahah. Boy, I look weird!
Oh oh! I've been meaning to talk about this! My toothbrush holders. Was gonna be a whole post on this but cant think of what to write. So only one pic. So so so cute right???
Yea. So it's either I get my own dSLR or a semi-pro one like Alan's. Yes Alan, I read your blog. So to thank you, I'm giving your blog more exposure. ^^

Till then, I'm still deciding what to blog about. And I have to finish the banner designs. Oh buggeration!